what does that really mean?

When I was a kid, I have never really understood the real purpose of Islam's fiqh i.e the prayers, the fasting, Al-Quran recitation, wearing hijab and what not. I knew that these are the things that God has directed us to do. But really, I often wonder what good can we make out of it? Are everything that we have to do merely intended to please God and that's it? Deep down, somewhere in my heart, I knew there's a lot more to it which I am yet to figure out.

What does it really mean when people say prayers will put you at peace? I have never really understood why my mum kept bugging me to go for Tarawikh prayers when i used to spend Ramadhan in my hometown. She even scolded me if I stopped at the 8th rakaat, and would then forced me to stay until the 20th. At that time, I remember thinking, "Isn't Islam about doing something sincerely for God and not because someone is being forced to?" 

But now it hits me. Maybe you won't feel at ease directly when you pray. It's when you don't pray that you would feel something is missing in your daily life. Something is not being done. And as I grew up and often being away from my family, tarawikh has become something I am used to do. You will eventually build the feeling of huge loss when you miss even one night without it.

Quran recitation - this one especially that kept me asking what's the benefit behind it other than gaining rewards from God for every word we recite. Somebody told me, from Ustaz Jamaluddin:

"Bacalah, kerana Al-Quran itulah yang telah melenturkan hati Umar al-Khattab r.a satu ketika dahulu. moga ia juga dapat melenturkan hati kita. Maka bacalah.."

Now THAT is something. Have you ever tried reciting Quran in the morning and later in the day wanting to do something sinful? Well to me that's what reading Quran gets me to. It just feel so contradicting if you do good for one thing and bad for another. and sometimes just simply listen to people reciting Quran especially the beautiful ones that you can easily search for in the Youtube, makes you fear for God even more. For me, I enjoy just laying down near to my mum after her prayers, when she recites Quran ;)

Also, I have been wearing hijab since I was 8 years-old. Though I have been consistent with wearing hijab, there were times and situations where I took it quite lightly. I don't wear them when I am traveling in a car, until I actually reach my destination. There was one night when I wanted to go for a drive-through at a McDonald. When I wanted to leave home, I thought to myself "It's fine if I don't wear my scarf. It's in the middle of the night and noone's probably gonna see me". I was right about having noone seeing me except for the female McD workers. but I was wrong about it being fine. It wasn't fine and it felt wrong. That's when I realized, that the intention to cover your head must come from within and not anywhere else because if it doesn't, you probably won't stick to the practice for long.

When you are trained to do something, you probably won't see the benefit until the time comes when you are given the choice not to obliged to it. That's when you realize that getting used to something is just a beginning towards comprehending the real meaning of it. And once you have reached there, just thank God that He has finally opened your heart, and just pray to him that he won't take that away from you ever again. And even when you feel like you still don't get it and are still searching for the answer, you just need to trust in God a little bit more and just believe that He will finally give it to you. 
Someday, somehow.

Conversation

Having a conversation with a friend is sometimes the thing I need the most when I ponder about life matters. Looking for an answer is one thing, and to hear a different point of view is another. A meaningful conversation is something I truly value, and it does not have to be an hour over the phone, or over a cup of coffee. It can just be along the way back home together from a nearby store.

I search for a friend to have a conversation with, especially when I'm feeling down. Words of encouragement are usually mere words that we already know, but hearing it from somebody else gives some sense of assurance, support and attention which makes it all better.

I find it funny as well that sometimes it's not an ear that I would like to lend from someone. But rather a company to be just right beside me and withstand all my possible frustrated gestures. There was one not-so-fine day where I felt as if I almost failed in everything, when my friend offered me a car ride. That drive to nowhere, chasing after sunset was surprisingly the one thing I could really use at that moment. Just that ride. Speed and silence.

Also, I find that at times, having a conversation with a random barista while grabbing my daily coffee is better than with a close friend. Like it or not, friends who know ourselves too much, judge us too much. Even though that is perfectly normal, to have the purest view over something, it is sometimes best to leave it to a stranger. 

Wearing a hijab - an honest view

 I came across a video made by a vlogger. She looked like a Malaysian but from the sound of the seasoned accent, I am pretty sure she was brought up abroad  She was talking about how she is dissappointed by the fact that nowadays, wearing a hijab is no more something people look up upon. Tudung wearers don't actually live up to the real meaning of covering their precious 'aurat'. They wear tudung but with a tight outfit. Hijab is about modesty but they put a massive amount of make-up on the face and they don't act modestly in terms of speaking, laughing etc. Hijab should be about Muslims' identity but we can't differentiate now whether those who still show a part of their hair, are non-Musims who just 'covering' their hair from the sun, or they are Muslims who don't know how to wear one.

Every single thing that she pointed out was true and i could not agree more. Being a tudung wearer myself, I am far from the sisters who cover their aurat perfectly. I have always wanted to talk about Hijab and it happens to be the number 1 topic that came up especially between me and my non-Muslim friends. All sorts of questions were thrown at me. Why do Muslims have to wear one? Why do some Muslims don't? Since when did you wear hijab? Don't you feel hot when you wear it? How come some people pray but they don't wear a hijab? and how come others do wear hijab but they don't pray? and trust me, there are actually a lot more.

I am glad to know that they are interested in knowing more about Islam and the hidden agenda behind wearing a hijab. When people asked me why do I cover my hair, two things came across my mind. Firstly, is because I am brought up this way. I won't simply call my family as a conservative one, but as far as I am concerned, mine is comparatively more particular about the do's and dont's in Islam. I first started covering my head when I was in standard 2. I remember the reason why I said yes when my parents asked me to was simply because all my other friends started to wear it. Apparently, following fashion trend and peer pressure can actually be a good thing ;)

The second reason is because wearing a hijab restrains me from doing a lot of bad things that I want to do if I otherwise don't wear one. I have to face the fact that in being a teenager in this modernized era, drinking, clubbing have became part of a daily routine. Let alone the fact that prayers and taking care of halal and haram food are being neglected. These kind of unhealthy  influences surround me almost every single day. And no, I am not talking just about the non-Muslims. This is not me, judging my circle of friends, nor me, justifying why am I not wearing hijab as how I'm supposed to. This is me, talking about an issue that even me myself am struggling to be better at.

In wearing hijab, I find a lot pros. Even those that I sometimes need someone else to remind me about. Cz we, at times don't see those simple simple things that came with it. One example comes back to the role of hijab as a Muslim's identity. This applies especially when you stay/live outside Malaysia. I've been here in Sydney for almost 2 and a half years now but I never failed to notice this : every single time I see another tudung wearer like I am, regardless of their nationality, an instant willingness to nod and smile always appears. I am pretty sure it is because nothing more than just a sense of ease you feel to see a person who share the same believes as you do.

I am now at a point where I know I should be improving myself. I know I wear not as appropriate as Islam suggests me too. I know the only reason of you protecting your aurat is solely because of the Lord, or at least, should be the first thing first. And I have no right to justify myself and giving excuses. Hijab is not just about covering but rather, more about having your mind and heart comprehending how it supposed to guide you in living your life. I have some free-haired friends that earned higher respect from myself than those who cover their hair. That is to prove that sometimes we shall never judge people by appearances and perceptions. Talk less about how bad people are but instead pray more that Lord will always lead us to the right path and perhaps bring them back to where they should be. After all, we are never too sure that we are better than anybody else,.. or actually a lot more worse.

Cheers.

Circles

We face life everyday and find ourselves people that we love to talk to, to have coffee with, and people that we would love to spend our time with. Friends. That's what we call them.

Fitting into a circle had been a struggling part of most of my life phases. Found it hard to get along in a conversation, or even worse, to start one. I was totally an opposite of my brother who has always been a social person since the day he knew how to speak. He just knows every single person in my hometown and everyone happens to know him. Even an Indian driver he knew from God-knows-where would pass by our house and greet him from far. Visiting our cousins' house would be an enjoyful moment for him, but not for me. I rather sit in my corner and be near to my dad than being around them.

High school was not really a fun playground for me at the beginning when it comes to social life either. For the first 4 months in my boarding school I could not find myself even a single good friend. Especially for females, that was beyond pathetic. Confidence back then was the littlest thing that I possesed. Typical high school story indeed. Now that I think about it, it was noone's fault except for my own. It was a fool of me to have expected people would just open up their arms to new people as friends. That's when I realized, that fitting in takes effort.

Now that I have chosen to get involved with clubs and the community at Uni level, being a social butterfly is no more a necessity, but rather a needing skill. I really tried to overcome those fear of being rejected, fear of being misunderstood about, fear of people in general. It was hard at first, but I also knew that these could really be a great obstacle for me to do things that I wish to do later in life. I gained courage from somewhere I didn't even know myself. All I know is that I am much more comfortable to put myself out there than I used to be years ago. And this is by judging not from the number of people/friends I know, but more from the inner feeling that only myself can tell.

Always know how to bring yourself around. That's what I learned. Different group of people think differently and thus, act, say and expect different things from you. Satisfy, or at least, respect them. Even if that means by not being yourself. Maybe you wanna point out about hipocracy. But I say, that is definitely not the case. It doesn't mean you have to totally change who you are. You just need to know your limits. Never be too matured. Never be too immatured. Never be too serious. Never joke too much. That sort of things. It's always about your willingness to give and take. And sometimes, things like these can't really be well explained by words. It's better off learned by experience.

At some point, a great thing to discover is that it was never that difficult to be a friend to others. If you are sincere with what you do, people can see it right through and without you even noticing it, they will always come back for you. You don't have to try too hard to impress people. Neither to try to be accepted nor to fake anything. It came all naturally if you be nice to people and treat them well. Thus, talking from the other side of the view, we must never make it too hard for people to break in the circle. Noone's perfect and people have their flaws. So long as they don't go by the extreme, just be fair. We could never know people too well to judge them too much. Just remember how hard it was for you as well.

I thank God that I have great friends that I can turn to. They're the ones that make you laugh and they can also be the exact same one who make you cry. And that, is the one thing you must learn to tolerate about friendship.

change

"people change for two reasons:
they've learned enough that they want to,
or they've been hurt enough that they have to"

- a good friend of mine







p/s: iwishiwassomebodyelse

noises

Once, I was told to just follow my heart. doing things I wish to do, and not being afraid to be different. of course, not a bad kind of different. a good one. And that's what actually I believe in. So long as you know your boundaries, why care about what others might say? Cz what i can understand is that, the others can't accept the difference you bring, because they are too used to ordinaries.

Regardless of how right you feel about something, if others tell you the other thing, u'll tend to conform. I,... will tend to conform. and then only it occurs to me that if you are different, eventually the noises you heard from others about urself will take away the confidence you thought u have, bit by bit. unless you have a real hard head, you won't enjoy being a distinct invidual anymore.

All I am trying to say is that, if people disagree with you and tell you you should do things the other way, would you just play safe n conform, or would you just proceed with your business, hoping someday they would understand once they themselves be in your shoes.
after all, you can never satisfy everybody no matter how you wish you could.

should I, or shouldn't I ?

u know, more often than not, we do things that we know how truly wrong they are, but just do it anyway. talking in the same manner, we do nothing about something, dat we really need to do.
i mean, dat typical 'shud i or shudn't i' moments.

it is like u know ur closet can't seem to fit in for anymore stuff, n u hav a tight budget, but u still buy dat expensive dress u claim to be the one u have been wanting for.

it is like u know how important for u to watch after ur health, n cut on those cholesterol n fats, but u just continue ordering for those disgusting n extremely oily fried chicken anyway.

it is like u know dat the due is soon enough to be worried about, n everybody is already at their halfway in finishing those assigned projects, but u just let time passes by n get started only after noticing how huge the marks dat they weigh.

it is like u know u shud not include dat extra smiley at the end of the sentence, cz his reply later won't feel dat friendly after all. n dat cheesy message? u know it's a big no no. but u just send em regardless.


familiar huhh. often we are asked, "why wud u do that?". the answer dat wud most likely be given, "dunno. just can't help it". it is because in those things u have been doing, realise it or not, u feel some unexplained sense of happiness n u can actually do things any way differently but u don't. a good friend of mine once said, "stupidity is happiness". indeed.
cz we, humans are just plain stubborn.