When I was a kid, I have never really understood the real purpose of Islam's fiqh i.e the prayers, the fasting, Al-Quran recitation, wearing hijab and what not. I knew that these are the things that God has directed us to do. But really, I often wonder what good can we make out of it? Are everything that we have to do merely intended to please God and that's it? Deep down, somewhere in my heart, I knew there's a lot more to it which I am yet to figure out.
What does it really mean when people say prayers will put you at peace? I have never really understood why my mum kept bugging me to go for Tarawikh prayers when i used to spend Ramadhan in my hometown. She even scolded me if I stopped at the 8th rakaat, and would then forced me to stay until the 20th. At that time, I remember thinking, "Isn't Islam about doing something sincerely for God and not because someone is being forced to?"
But now it hits me. Maybe you won't feel at ease directly when you pray. It's when you don't pray that you would feel something is missing in your daily life. Something is not being done. And as I grew up and often being away from my family, tarawikh has become something I am used to do. You will eventually build the feeling of huge loss when you miss even one night without it.
Quran recitation - this one especially that kept me asking what's the benefit behind it other than gaining rewards from God for every word we recite. Somebody told me, from Ustaz Jamaluddin:
"Bacalah, kerana Al-Quran itulah yang telah melenturkan hati Umar al-Khattab r.a satu ketika dahulu. moga ia juga dapat melenturkan hati kita. Maka bacalah.."
Now THAT is something. Have you ever tried reciting Quran in the morning and later in the day wanting to do something sinful? Well to me that's what reading Quran gets me to. It just feel so contradicting if you do good for one thing and bad for another. and sometimes just simply listen to people reciting Quran especially the beautiful ones that you can easily search for in the Youtube, makes you fear for God even more. For me, I enjoy just laying down near to my mum after her prayers, when she recites Quran ;)
Also, I have been wearing hijab since I was 8 years-old. Though I have been consistent with wearing hijab, there were times and situations where I took it quite lightly. I don't wear them when I am traveling in a car, until I actually reach my destination. There was one night when I wanted to go for a drive-through at a McDonald. When I wanted to leave home, I thought to myself "It's fine if I don't wear my scarf. It's in the middle of the night and noone's probably gonna see me". I was right about having noone seeing me except for the female McD workers. but I was wrong about it being fine. It wasn't fine and it felt wrong. That's when I realized, that the intention to cover your head must come from within and not anywhere else because if it doesn't, you probably won't stick to the practice for long.
When you are trained to do something, you probably won't see the benefit until the time comes when you are given the choice not to obliged to it. That's when you realize that getting used to something is just a beginning towards comprehending the real meaning of it. And once you have reached there, just thank God that He has finally opened your heart, and just pray to him that he won't take that away from you ever again. And even when you feel like you still don't get it and are still searching for the answer, you just need to trust in God a little bit more and just believe that He will finally give it to you.
Someday, somehow.
Someday, somehow.
